Life Thoughts

Daughter has been back a couple times. As she looked at pictures on my computer to choose what she wanted before I printed them she choked up.  Funny how we can work on the scrapbook itself without a tear but looking at all the pictures before gets to both of us.

I finished his art pages today.  Much more could be scanned but no need when his portfolio sits here in this office.  I do need to get some of the loose work in there in acid free paper.

I went to the cemetery with poinsettia for him and the poor bare grave beside him. I don't know where or if Janet Little has family here. She died in her 50's.  Walking there one soon realizes how some day there will be no one to visit your grave.  I imagine for the most part by then you have been out of people's memories for some time too.

That isn't what counts. Knowing you have reached your eternal home is. I just finished reading "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper.  If he'd used the words Rev. I would of known for sure which direction the book was going.  It was of no comfort to me. Our son was studying Buddhism rejecting what he was raised with. So of course I have no idea where he is in eternity.

I've been doing my best to heal. Still have times of tears, to be expected of course.  I put his few decorations on the bay window.  I'm afraid Christmas day is going to be hard.  Daughter hasn't been back to do the work she wanted for the album she wanted us to make of his life.

In the meantime I created my scrap book with his emails I fortunately had saved. Then I dug in the card box and added the cards he had sent. Most were humorous, several he made instead of buying.  Then I set about making a scrapbook of his years in AFROTC.  After Christmas I will deliver that to the Corps for history of the unit.

Part of me would like to hang onto anything pretaining to him. I still have no idea what to do with all his framed certificates and licenses from his work.  His sister has one. I'm betting she hasn't hung it either.

We have not set foot in her apartment for years.  She is too much a hermit since she lost her job. But her new doc seems to be balancing her meds better than the previous one.

Good thing I don't come often.  Ad is annoying. I look out the window, don't watch it.

As daughter got involved in planning for our 50th wedding anniv. she came over more often and was most upbeat.  If only that would continue.

Today was my last back injection for the year. He could not do where it is most tender on the spine. Incision from fusion there and hardware. Tail bone will always be like it is because the bottom two screws broke and fused in the spine. Of course my Grandma lived with pain in the tail bone after she fell on it. So I best suck up.

Recliner time.

I see by email notice that accounts are going to be purged. I wonder if this will be one of them?  Granted I still have my big journal and little blog that some people do read. Just not as many.

The grieving still goes on. I get up most mornings with 'underlying tears'.  I'm blaming the fact Scott's house is not selling.  Some how I think I'm kidding myself. I know darn well the last time I am there I will be depressed. And then every day I think of all the work he put into that place to make it a nice home will send me on a down spiral.

I feel llike I only have husband now. Daughter rarely calls, rarely comes over. She was doing that before son died.  So when I get old and if  I'm alone I will be slapped in a nursing home when I can't take care of myself. 

She wants us to set up at the flea market to sell what is left of son's estate. She says she will help.

No one is reading here so I guess I'm safe to say whatever I want.  My only friend on this street says she wants to go to visit Scott's grave, she had to work the day of the funeral.  They have benefited greatly with things that had been his, like a grill/smoker, lawn furniture, candles, picture and whatever else I don't remember.  I told her we were going today after church.  Did she make any attempt to come?  No because they go to two church services. One so they can be with one side of the family at the Spanish speaking service, two so they can be with the other side of the family and English service. 

I made my husband mad when I asked her husband why one service one day couldn't be missed.  So I look out the window to see covers set up and grills going this evening.  No time for honoring the memory of our son I see. I'll not ever ask her again!

Yesterday I learned the Medical Examiner finalized the post. Tues. the funeral home was notified. Or so I thought. The only person to access the page was off and didn't call me. No one else has access. Gee I hope nothing ever happens to her. Of course I cried. I didn't feel well yesterday and this 8 wk. wait was closing tomorrow.

Mike called me back later, he got the lady on her cell. He didn't understand because she didn't tell him Tues. that since it was a pending certificate it had to be amended. They may have it by Monday or Tues. I apologized for losing my cool and crying in his ear and told him I wouldn't have people bring shovels to my funeral. (I had told him they would probably have to dig the grave with the snafu's). When we buried arson victim Stacy years ago they had not gotten the vault so I had to bring her cremains home until holiday was over.  Then for son's funeral the director (the third one in two days) marked the wrong chapel for the service and then neglected to use the exit there and tell the people where to go. We all stood outside wondering where he was.

In the meantime the ME's office told me how I could get a copy of the report. No cost as I'm next of kin.

Did you know these reports are public record yet they can't tell you the results over the phone due to privacy act? 

Great, haven't been here is so long I didn't know I would have to watch an ad before I could post! No matter no one comes to read here and since son died fewer than ever are reading my other places. That's OK I wouldn't want a litany of the trials of handling legal, emotional etc. after a death. I guess I am done sending thank you's to those who sent cards now. Only one came in today, probably the last.

Still have a dilemna how to handle Christmas cards this year. Send a letter in Nov. is my thought. Who wants to open such at Christmas?

Damn it!   Is this what I get for handing son one of pastor's sermons so he can get more 'real' information about Christianity than what he believes?  A year's subscription to a Buddhist magazine! 

If he chooses that life style there is nothing I can do or say.  But to expect his mother to read their teaching?  No thanks. I am busy trying to work my way through 3 books on bi polar to better understand his sister.  I don't want stressed out every issue when a magazine comes in, so I looked. 4 issues a year, forever on their mail list I suppose.

And the card came in with a note the gift was from his sister?  Whoever handled that subscription dropped the ball.  Worse I called her and asked why she had it sent.  Eventually I let her know it was her brother and she told me not to be mean to him.  Now why is telling him you don't want a Buddhist magazine mean? 

Plus his very generous dad who has one hang up, magazines, is going to be real pleased as our name gets sold to more and more people.  Oh well he can't say anything because one time he called a phone number about reverse mortgages and now we get birthday cards that glitter falls out of and a picture Christmas card from them. People we don't even know, or want to.

It is behavior likes this that marks all of us.  I see that will take you to my comment. Scroll up for the post.

My concern last post was for naught. He was just out taking more pictures and late reading email. :-)

Well I see once again Microsoft says I have updates. I swear I can't even have fun before starting my day. Though I did pop into Facebook. People aren't reading blogs and journals any more. So any journal will be for me myself and I. :-)